A Letter to my earthly Father

Today while driving into work this morning I felt directed by the Spirit of God to write you a letter. You have been on my mind recently because I haven't seen or heard from you in well over 28 years. If two of my fingers were cut off on one hand. I would still be able to count on that one hand the times I have seen you throughout my 38 years. Let me say first that I forgive you for not being there. What I remember from the last time I saw you, that you were dealing with addiction of both alcohol and drugs. Your girlfriend at the time looked cracked out. You were living off of Good Luck Rd during that last time I saw you. When I did see you the last time I saw you it was a surprise and it was the first time I spent with my older sister Kimberly, I was gonna say Kim but she hated to be called that. Lol I could tell by your embrace you gave me and how you called me baby boy, with joy. I was so happy that day spending time with my Fam going to a baseball game at RFK, way before the nationals. You taking my around SE seeing other FAM. Let me get to the reason why I am writing. I don't want you to think that I hate you or that I don't want you in my life. I just want to be able to tell you how I am feeling about this great disappointment in you as a man. How could you go around in this life knowing you have children and not make an attempt to reach out to build a relationship with your son, I understand that you were married and had Kimberly and Dorsey before I was born and even the last time I saw you were in here lives. Why weren't you in mine? Even if my mother tried to bar you from seeing me why didn't you fight? I am not sure if that was the case only but let's just say, that is the case. Why didn't you fight? I have a 17 year old son named Lamar and his Mother and I don't get along what-so-ever and she has tried to bar me but I wasn't having it and even tried to have whatever dude she was dating to try to beef to keep me away but I am not having that. I would die for all of my kids. At least they would know that I loved them and died trying to be a part of their lives. I did not want to be like you but I always wonder what my life would have been like, if you were in it? Good the bad or the ugly. However it would have turned out you still would have been in my life and I wouldn't have to write you in this manner. Typing on my IPHONE in a park with the sun beaming down, but the sweat is hiding my tears of the sea of emotions that I have kept bottled up for so many years. I let them out but I finally have to let them go by writing to you. I have two other children with my wife Shannon I have been married for 14 years we have lost two children but we have two wonderful children a boy and a girl. Landon 9 funny and loving kid, but displays anger when frustrated much like me. He is growing up and out of that behavior and Drew 3 she only opens up to me and my wife and her brother Landon and sometimes LJ. Very standoffish and is always watching people I love that about her. That is alot like me I don't want to get my heart broken or be disappointed in people so I keep my distance never really having or wanting friends to get close to me. Never knew love until she came along. When I think about my children I wonder do you ever wonder how i am doing? Do you think of me like I am of you? Am I wasting my time or am I just dumping that little boy in side of me to move on from my daddy issues. Probably. Even my cousin Gymar has been in touch with his Father and he even has started to call him Dad, His Father fought for that right. I have fought for the right to be called Dad by LJ. He lives with me now because I prayed for years after taking him home every other weekend and heard him crying as he wanted to stay longer to have him in 2001 live with me for a short while then to have him snatched away back to his mother then in 2011 have him live with us full time. A boy needs his Dad I needed you. I still need you, the good the bad and the ugly I needed you in my life. I can tell you this even in your absence I have still grown into a man. I have learned from your mistake and vowed never to allow anything or anyone to come between and my Fam. Just saying that brings me to the reason why I am a decent man without you. Simple scripture verse you might or might not know it john 3:16 for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever shall believe on him shall have everlasting life. Gods holiness and mercy and love he gave himself for a humanity that was apart from him because of sin of the whole world, but by his own justice he poured out his own wrath to satisfy himself and reconcile himself to the world. Jesus died a death we couldn't, fulfilled the law when we couldn't and taken those from the dead and freed captives and has given us gifts and the authority to be called Children of God. By his death and resurrection. I know I have asked questions throughout but I would want to know do you believe that Jeaus died for the sins of the world rose three days later appeared before many and has ascended to the right hand of the father. The bible says hat if all men call upon The Lord they will be saved. Whosoever calls upon the name of The Lord confess with the mouth believe in their heart shall be saved. Even if we don't see each other in this life. I would like to see you in Glory before The Lord. I would rather have an eternity with you than a few short years here on a broken and fall world. I pray that you have accepted Jesus Christ as you savior at some point in your life for even our meet g in eternity to happen. May the God of all creation to whom salvation is dwells within your heart, so that you can and will be reconciled to him. God bless you and I will be praying for you which I should have been doing years ago. I love you Dad Lamar